The Nod

In society (well at least in America's society) we all belong to groups. And usually we belong to more than one group. The groups can be based on ethnic origin, religion, politics, likes, or dislikes, etc. Usually we belong to more than one group. There are groups we will always belong in but there are groups that just last for a moment. Like in high school you might have been in the "cool kids" group or the thespian group. And of course if you remember high school the groups were unlimited. We usually refer to such groups as cliques, but I don't like that word. Personally for me it has a negative connotation. And I want to use the word group because it is all inclusive to what I am talking about.

Let me get back on track.

Like I said the groups we belong to can last for just a moment, or we are part of them forever. One group I have entered into now is the Mommy group!!

I didn't need to fill out a membership application. I didn't need to know anyone in the group. What got me into the group was having a baby.

The Mommy group is a permanent group. Even when Carl is off and married with children of his own I will still be in the mommy group.

The interesting part of this Mommy group is all the mommies recognize each other. Obviously it is easy to recognize each other when the kids are with us. But there are other signs. Perhaps the stained shirt or blouse. The stains are not noticeable to the naked eye but to the mommy eye they are there. Another sign could be the awareness that a woman walks around with. The awareness of her surroundings and always taking account of where everything is. There can be numerous signs (signs I am still learning and observing). One sign that is the same in all of us is in the eyes. No not the circles underneath from the lack of sleep. But the love that is in them. It is a love that is deep and forever. It is not that giddy love or that twinkle we have for our husband. It is a love that will last forever and nothing can break it. The eye of a mother changed forever when she looked at her baby for the very first time.

At first none of these signs were obvious to me and as I said I am still learning. And I didn't even know I entered into this forever group. What clued me in was the nod. The nod from other women that let's another woman know that she understands. It is a nod of understanding, encouragement, empathy, and support. The nod is not a nod of judgment and it is not confrontational. It is the salute of respect.

It doesn't matter if we know each other or will never know each other. Mothers nod at each other as a symbol of knowing that this journey is forever. Each of us have different techniques and styles but it doesn't matter. The journey is hard but rewarding. I never knew of this journey or group until I had Carl. At first the nods confused me and I didn't understand. But then I realized these nods were exchanges from mother to a mother. A nod that no other woman would notice or understand until she becomes a mother herself.

So as a new mom I would like to give a nod to all the mothers out there. New mothers, mothers of teenagers, and mothers who are now grandmothers. My nod is a hello. My nod is a thank you for accepting me into this group. And my nod is a nod of encouragement and respect!! Here is to us!!

Change of Plans Part One

Wow, everything I wanted to do or did not want to do as a mother has gone out the window.

That is why this subject will come in parts. Because as motherhood continues I am sure there will be something that I initially thought I would do and it will change.

I have realized my plans will not always be the right plan. Carl is doing a good job letting me know that sometimes he has a better idea. And God is definitely telling me that His plan trumps all other plans.

There are two changes that has happened; pacifiers and work.

Regarding pacifiers I was like, "No way." If he is going to cry it is because he wants something like food, changed, or attention. I didn't like the idea of putting something in his mouth just to get him to stop crying.

Well after eight weeks that plan has changed. Carl likes to suck on things, and using my breast as a pacifier started getting a bit too much. John has been trying to help Carl find his fingers and I was like, "Oh no, not a thumbsucker." But oh well. Then there was his crying. It seemed like not matter what we did he would cry. And I shouldn't really say cry, it's more like a whine. Let me say right now, I love my son. I completely adore him and can't get enough of him. But his cry/whine really gets on my nerves. I used to think that made me a bad mom for thinking this, but I am not. So after some lengthy discussion we decided to get him a pacifier. And oh how I have fallen in love! He doesn't want it all the time. But I have learned that Carl wanted something to suck on because it soothed him. And now I have a happier boy!!! So Carl now has a binkie and the world did not implode on itself!

The second plan that changed is work. I always used to say to myself, "I am not a stay at home type. I will love my kid but I love to work too." I learned something about myself. I am not that person. After just four weeks I could not fathom the idea of leaving him. Every time I thought about June 1st I cried a bit on the inside. How could I go back to work and not see Carl!! Well God must have known I would end up like this. He blessed us abundantly. John got a job by mid-April. A job that replaced what I was bringing in plus a little bit more and his benefits start at the beginning of June!!! So an opportunity presented itself and I took it. After meditating on it I finally made the decision and let my job know on May 21st that I would not be coming back. I am going to miss the kids and the wonderful people I work with, but being a mother to Carl is so amazing!!! So I am going to take this summer and stay at home!!! In September I will revisit the idea of going back to work, but as of right now I am going to stay at home!

There it is, my plans changing. And I know for the next 18 years + my plans will always keep changing. But the changes are rewarding and I am learning so much about myself. So stay tuned for the next change of plans. I don't know when they will happen or what plans they will be. But I know it will happen.

All about the milk!!

This post is dedicated to breastfeeding!! Oh how I love breastfeeding. . . . NOT!

I don't mean to be sarcastic but I am going to say I do have a love/hate relationship with breastfeeding. It was not what I thought and it always surprises me.

Before I ever got pregnant I knew I was going to breastfeed. The benefits were just far superior to formula. I have nothing against formula because I was given formula and I am pretty phenomenal! :)

After I got pregnant I wanted to learn as much as I could. So I watched my sister in-law she is my breastfeeding superwoman. Kayleen and her girls made it look easy! So I got lots of advice from her and John and I even took a breastfeeding class! I went into breastfeeding with lots of confidence. I was like, "I so got this."

But then I fell, and I fell far and hard. Carl was born and the poor guy couldn't latch on. Let's just say I have a lot going on. But have no fear the wonderful ladies of the St. Vincent's Lactation team came to the rescue. They introduced to us a nipple shield!! Oh, how I fell in love with the nipple shield.

Before we left the hospital though the doctors made sure to freak us out about his jaundice. They wanted me to supplement with formula because his jaundice was so bad. Talk about sending us home in a panic. When we went to our lactation appointment the midwife continued to freak us out. So needless to say that night we made a bottle of formula. There it was. The bottle just taunting me. I was crying and I felt miserable. After a mini-freakout I got myself together and I said, "No!" I will keep nursing him and everything will be okay. We followed up with a pediatrician and sure enough she said he would be fine!! I am so glad I did not give him the formula.

So we survived jaundice and we continued on our happy way. I went through my engorgement period and I survived. But I still noticed we were on the nipple shield. Carl was comfortable and I was like fine. But one day I tried to latch him on with out it and it worked!!!

There we were breastfeeding perfectly. Everything was great! We survived the first six weeks and everything was perfect.

But this is no fairytale. Just this past week it seemed like my milk supply was getting low. Wednesday morning I pumped out a 5 oz. bottle in ten minutes. Thursday afternoon I couldn't pump anything. Carl was eating every hour or less, and it just seemed like he wasn't getting enough. And to be honest my boobs felt empty. I was in panic mode!!! I could not believe I was reaching the end. I again started to cry. I thought everything was finally going to be perfect and this happened. Here it was, the end.

Thanks to facebook I got some amazing encouragement. Saturday morning Jennifer came over and brought me some Mother's Milk Tea (which is super yummy). She talked with me for a bit and I felt super better. So for the weekend I went on a nursing marathon (every two hours), I have been drinking the tea and eating oatmeal.

Needless to say everything is back to normal. Talked to lactation; he is getting enough and my ducts are fine. So who knows what happened. Maybe I was getting to comfortable and my body was like, "Let's freak her out."

So here I am breastfeeding comfortably again, but I am not naive anymore. I know there will be some difficulties too come. Growth spurts, teething, teeth, and whatever else.

Now we just need to get comfortable breastfeeding in public (definitely not as easy as I thought it would be).

The love/hate relationship will continue. Love the benefits and the bonding, hate the complications and the unknown.

So for all you breastfeeding mommas out there you are amazing and I want you to know this. And for all the future mommas breastfeeding is the best but I will not lie to you; it's not easy and can be down right awful at times. But hang in there!!!

Taking the path to discover my roots

I have a strong desire to know my lineage. Doing the research and genealogy was never an interest to me until now. I think having a son now I want to know so I can share with him. Fortunately my husband's aunt conducted all the leg work on his father's side. Because of ancestry.com I have discovered a lot on his mom's side. I just need to pow-wow with his aunts to get more information. As for me my mother's side is easy to research and a lot of it has already been done.

But that is it. My father's side is a struggle and I am hitting road blocks. Tracing my Black roots is difficult because due to slavery names were changed and census information is not necessarily always accurate.

I really would love to know what part of Africa my lineage is from. Thankfully science has come quite a longs ways. We can now send our DNA off and they can tell a lot from a DNA as to where we are from and what our make up is. So I was hoping all I needed to do was swab my cheek and voila all would be revealed. But since science is so complex I found out I cannot swab my cheek to find my African ancestry because that comes from my paternal side. The lady I talked to was so nice because she said, "All you need to do is have your father, brother, or a paternal uncle take the test." Unfortunately she did not know my situation.

After I hung up the phone I cried. What she did not know is that was not as simple as it sounded. When it comes to biology I don't know who my father is. I know who my Dad is, he is amazing and I love him to death. But at the age of 13 I got earth shattering news. The man I had met and come to love was not my biological father. But because my Dad is an amazing person he did not care what a test said and he continued being my Dad.

So here I am at the age of 25 still asking, "Where do I come from?" I stand at this path and I ask myself do I want to go down it? Do I want to go through the pain?

The answer is I do. Because at the end of the path is answers and in a sense there will be sense of completeness for me.

As is I start down this path I know it will be long and it will take time due to money and science. But I am full of anticipation to what waits for me along this journey. So here I go. . . .

To Grandmother's House We Go!

This weekend Carl got to meet his Grandma!! We ventured and took the 5 hour drive to John Day by the teeth and owned it!!!

This was a long trip for Carl, but he did okay. He definitely got cranky on the way back but on the way there he was an angel. He slept most of the time which actually worked out great because he was so alert for his visit.

The visit was even more amazing because John's mom was having a good day! She was alert and recognized John. She even seemed happy to see Baby Carl. And of course John was able to get his Mom to laugh. I am just so happy that we were able to make this memory. I was able to get some pictures for Carl's book.

Turns out Carl was quite a little celebrity in John Day. Many people were excited to meet him and are excited to have another Carl (his great-grandpa went by Carl). As Carl's mom it was so amazing to see how many people love him and care about him. He is going to have an amazing support system in his life!!! I am just so excited to share with Carl his family history as he gets older.

1st Mother's Day!!

Mother's Day was amazing!! I am a MOM!! And I have a son!!! It just was so amazing to hold my son and really think about how I am his mom and will be the rest of his life. I am the one that holds him when he wants to be held. I am the one that feeds him when he is hungry. I am the one that he sees when he wakes up. I am the one he sees when he falls asleep. I will be the one that kisses his hurts away. I will be the one that he will get mad at, but will be there when he is no longer mad. I will be the one that will love him no matter what!!


So what I did I do for my first Mother's Day?

Went to church and got to witness my dear friend Timisha baptize her little girl!!! After church John and I went to the waffle shack and enjoyed my favorite waffle (peanut butter and sausage, YUM!!) Then I went to lunch with Timisha for a Mother's Day lunch! Came home took a nap. Then my hubby took me to Newport Bay (YUM!!)

The best part about the day? Coming home and laying down with my little boy!!!

GRADUATED!!!

WOOT WOOT!! After almost four long years and a major change I have graduated from college!! On Saturday, May 8th I graduated from Warner Pacific College receiving a Bachelor's of Science in Human Development.


After hundreds of papers, a few dozen all nighters, and a lot of take-out my college journey is done (for now). I met some amazing people along the way, and have made a lot of new friends that I know I will keep for a lifetime. There is nothing I would trade for what I have experienced the last few years. And I really have to thank my husband! He was so supportive, patient, loving, and encouraging through the whole process. Now that it is over I am excited to start making dinners again. :) And I also would like to thank my little boy. I know he is too young to understand right now, but he inspired me to finish. After having him I finished the last month with the motivation of completing to provide better things for him. Looking at him makes me want to do the best in life!! I love you guys!!

Now that I have graduated what are my plans? Well as of right now I am going to just hang out with my little boy! I have decided to just relax this summer. In the fall I will venture out and see what is out there. Ideally I would like to work for DHS. But for right now I am just going to focus on my family.

Update on Carl's Diagnosis

Carl saw the pediatric neurosurgeon back on the 7th of May. It was a follow up appointment for the CT Scan. Dr. Wheby saw nothing of concern in his CT Scan!! She told me she is not worried and therefore I should not worry. His measurements are great. His head is still in the 50th percentile and he is reaching his developmental milestones on time. She will wants to see him back in August just to remeasure his head and take a look at him.

So we just want to say PRAISE GOD!!! He is the Healer and Comforter!! We are so thankful for all of your prayers!

(Just click on the title to read our post back on January 12th to read on his diagnosis)