"I know the plans I have for you. . ."

I don’t know who reads our blog. Sometimes I care and sometimes I don’t. At the heart of everything it really doesn’t matter. It’s nice to just blog and talk about things going on in life. They might be important or completely trivial and will be long forgotten. I know I just enjoy writing and expressing opinions or moments in my life. Yes, it is John’s blog too, but I am sure you will see that I will be the only one writing. He says it is my job as the “wifey” to keep everyone updated. I am starting to ramble so I am going to get started with the purpose of this evening’s blog.

What I am about to talk about isn’t necessarily easy. I never thought I was going to share or discuss the issue. I felt like I should write about it but every time that thought entered my mind I would be instantly bombarded with all the different things people might say and I wasn’t ready until now. I realized that it is okay to let those close to me know what is going and understand where I am coming from. And yes there is a selfish reason, I need some prayer. I didn’t want to have personal conversations with everyone that might be just a bit too painful. Okay enough of the drama and suspense, I will start from the beginning.

John and I decided – what seems like a long time ago – to have children. It was nothing we really shared because we would just share it when we were pregnant. Well I have learned over the past 11 months getting pregnant is not necessarily easy. I was okay the first few months then by May I was utterly consumed. I was reading every article possible on the hows and ways to become pregnant. I truly believe I was driving John crazy. I kept up this whole process until October. In October I started a class at my church, No Other Gods, I was like hey why not I am sure I have idols in my life. So class started and it was just within a few days that God revealed to me that I was putting fertility/pregnancy before Him and everything else. I had been trying to take control from God. John had been praying and has told me since May that pregnancy would happen in God’s timing, He has the perfect plan. I would always say I know but in my head I thought I knew better.

As I dove deeper and deeper into the class I was realizing the effect this was taking on my life. I was avoiding loved ones because I didn’t want to be around babies. I was happy in general but I didn’t have the joy of the Lord. I was letting my craving for motherhood drown me. It was slowly destroying me and the love I am to offer to everyone. I would get words of encouragement from some of my close friends and I would slap on a smile and say thank you I will take that into prayer. But of course I did not. I just could not bear going one more month hoping and then being utterly disappointed. The two people closest to me that knew what was going on was there to offer support and utter the two words I absolutely hate, “I’m sorry”. I know they meant well but the words just felt like they were stabbing my soul.

So over the past weeks God has been leading me and guiding me through this pain. I have learned to let go. I was starting to lose my identity I was wrapping it all up in motherhood – or lack thereof. He showed me my true identity is in Christ. I think as Christians there are many times in life we lose sight of that one simple truth. We forget what that moment felt like when we gave it all to Him and the weight was lifted from our shoulders. Over the past 11 months I, me, myself, has put weight on my own shoulders. I created emptiness within myself. What truly delivered me from this idol was one simple verse that I have taught in Sunday school many many times before. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

The Lord knows me and He knows everything He wants for me He has my plan and He is in control. Nowhere in the Bible does my name appear, “Aimee knows, Aimee has a plan, Aimee is in control”. It is the Lord who knows, plans, and controls all things. I have hope again, something I lost for awhile, but I now have again.

Before I close this brings me to what is going on presently. As some of you might remember I was hospitalized back in June for severe pain in my right side. They thought it was appendicitis but my tests were normal. After a few days they sent me on my way and told me to follow up with OB/GYN to get everything checked through. Well since I was still so caught up with my own plan at the time I probably didn’t give it as much consideration as I should have yes I followed up I just didn't really focus on what truly was going on with me. However, at the end of October I went in and we discussed everything that is going on and the doctors believe it is possible I have endometriosis. Unfortunately if I do have this it is something I will have forever, but it is treatable and manageable and many women go on to have children. They have scheduled me to go in on December 8th to take a look and remove any endo that they can if it is there. Also while they are in there they are going check everything out and inject some dye to make sure everything is clear. I will not lie, at first I had doubts and some scary thoughts cross my mind. But God quickly whispered into my soul, For I know the plans I have for you Aimee! I truly do believe God and I know everything next month is going to be brought to light and when it is God will show His glory and more of the plan to us.

If you read all the way through this I thank you for your time and patience. I felt led to write about what I have been going through and I also want to express my apologies because I have shut people out for the last while. Please know that I love each and every one of you. I pray that if there is anything that you are dealing with similar or different and it is bringing pain into your life know that God has a plan and He is in control.