Last post of the year, a blog of reflection!

Wow-wee!! Sorry guys its been over a month since my last blog. Let me be honest, I just haven't wanted to. It's not that there is nothing to talk about it's just another thing I put on my things to do and frankly that list is just super long.

Alot has been going on for us the last month. Lots of evaluating and decision making has happened. I'm telling you having a baby changes everything. And that is everything. Not just finances, and social life. But how you view life and you evaluate all your relationships. And it is also a new year soon, and with an end of a year there is evaluation. I think I just got an overload (which I needed).

So honestly there has been a lot of "a-ha" moments for me. It's been empowering but also saddening at the same time. I can honestly say I don't think I have cried this much in such a short amount of time ever. Even in my childhood. I have been scared, excited, disappointed, heartbroken, and empowered all within a span of a month.

Being scared and excited are emotions that I feel together. In just a few short months I am going to be a mother!! Like my friend said I already am a mom, but in a few short months he will be out of my womb and in my arms!!! That excites me but there is definite anticipation and nervousness. I am not scared to be a mom but I am scared of the process. Yes I am scared of labor. I am scared that I am going to chicken out. Even if I do it doesn't matter. It's a natural process. When the baby is ready to come out it's going to come out. But it's the pain aspect. I am not one that shies away from pain and I have been in some serious physical pain in my life. But this is going to be different. Obviously. I heard this is normal and it will be an up and down emotion for me. Thank God I have such supportive people in my life!!

Disappointment and heartbreak has come together for me too. This disappointment and heartbreak has also empowered me though to set boundaries and has enabled me to walk away. The pain of broken relationships has come to the forefront in the past couple of months but just within the last couple days I have realized I can break the cycle and no longer put myself in that path. Shockingly I realized I brought the pain on myself because I had expectations that I knew would never be met. People in our lives represent who they are and when they show consistently who they are it is unfair to expect change or demand change. However, I can change how I am. And I am choosing to do better for myself and set a better example for my son. It's okay to love and care for people but we don't have to put our own emotional health in harms way to love people.

As you know this is the end of the year and a New Year is right upon us (30 minutes for me) and I am blessed to have gone through what I have the past month. I have realized my value as a person and what I want for the future. In the past I have known what I need to do, but now I am empowered to take action. Like I told a friend tonight I have closed a book in my life, not a chapter but a book. This book should have ended along time ago but I made the choice to leave it open and try to write more chapters. And it is clear to see the chapters were unnecessary and I was just dragging it on and on. I didn't want to let go. Have you ever read a book or watched a movie that dragged on too long? My book should have ended five chapters ago. So now it has there is an end. And while I am sad and its going to be hard not to pick it up again I feel at peace. God has been trying to show me for so long and I didn't follow.

John made a big change just within the past week also. He made the decision to close the business. He worked long and hard but the closing doesn't bring us loss. It brought lessons, maturity, and growth. John has a new perspective and was grateful for the experience having his own business brought him. I am super proud of him, as I know all of you are.

So there is my last post for the year. I wish you all an amazing 2010!!! And let's pray for Baby Carl who is already a promised blessing for 2010!!! Thank you all for your support!!! Remember put God first and all other things will fall in place!


Here is a belly update, yes I am gettin big! LOL! (taken last week @ 25 weeks)